Capture

(A little end of summer poem.)

On the last day of vacation
sunburned and windswept
I rushed down to the beach
with an empty bottle
to capture a piece of the sea.

Cramming sand and tiny shells
through the opening,
I filled the empty space left
with warm salt water
hoping as we drove away
when I missed this place
I could open it later
and return to that
delirious infinity,
the rush of light
sound and movement
more wonderful than anything
I had ever seen.

Of course it was a lost cause:
Grand things diminish
in confined spaces,
both children and the sea.

End of Summer

Even though we are still in limbo regarding my stepdad, it’s been a wonderful summer. It’s the first since I had kids that I got to be home with them, and we’ve been too busy enjoying ourselves for me to write much. Even though we’re moderately broke, we’ve found plenty of fun things to do…trips to the science museum, skipping around between all the excellent library branches, visiting parks when it’s not too hot, swimming, art exhibits, museums, caverns, visits to and from family, playdates…

My daughter starts school next week and both my son and I will be seriously bummed without her around every day.  I let her have an end-of-summer sleepover with three friends last weekend; her first one ever. I nearly lost my sanity, but she and her friends had a good time. 😉 

I finally went to the doctor and dentist on my new insurance, and I’m working on fixing all the minor health problems I’ve been having: migraines, low iron, vertigo…the doctor tried to hook me up with a therapist, but at this point finding a babysitter to cover appointments sounds more stressful than therapy sounds helpful. A therapist isn’t going to be able to do anything about the uncertainty of the stepdad situation anyway. If he goes to trial I’m going to go to support Mom.

For now, I have a first birthday party to attend for my great-niece soon, and a visit to Mom’s to plan in September. I can’t wait until the weather cools down so I can take Rory on hikes, too. There’s still a lot to explore in our new city.

 

Engines

Long after the train passed
the rails still hummed.
At night in the quiet
you could hear them
softly buzzing.

Maybe this
is what ghosts are:
Engines vibrating
along paths
once familiar.
No unfinished business
or messages
for left behind
loved ones.
Only faint fading evidence
someone came through
before continuing
their journey.

Happy Birthday to Me

I  turn 42 today and it’s the best birthday I’ve had in years.

I quit my job last Friday. 

I was about to get fired anyway. I talked to HR one last time and that conversation confirmed it. I was sticking it out for COBRA, so I could keep my insurance a while, but after some research I discovered the cost was astronomical and we can just as well shell out for a marketplace plan.

The other deciding factor was that my boss was gone all week and I kept fantasizing about never having to see her again.

Then I got an invitation to the next check in meeting with her and HR, and it was on my birthday. Did I really want to get fired on my birthday? Nope.

I worked my usual hours Friday and emailed my resignation before I left. I briefly considered a snarky, burn-it-down type of middle finger goodbye, but in the end I kept it brief. No notice. Effective immediately.

It felt fantastic. Unprofessional, furtive, irresponsible, and absolutely fantastic. 

Today I got an email from HR saying they accepted my resignation in lieu of termination, so I am eligible to work there again if I ever decide to apply to a different position (far, far away from the last one). I didn’t even ask for that, but I am grateful HR went that route. It was a nice reward for not sending the bridge-burning letter.

I feel like my new life can finally begin. I think I’ve hated my job since I went into management eight years ago.

I’m spending my birthday and Easter taking the kids to visit my mom, then the rest of my WV family. Dan is coming later because he has an interview.

Once our trip is over, I’m turning the basement into a workshop. I’m going to start a side gig selling my hippie crafts online and at festivals. I may pick up part time or freelance work if necessary.

I’m looking forward to having more time with the kids. I already bought lake supplies for the summer and new deck chairs for the yard. The library and zoo are 10 and 15 minutes away.

Money will be tight, but I’m automatically going to save on therapy bills. I won’t need nearly as many lunches out and stress-lattes either.

I’ve already lowered my dosage too so hopefully the annoying forgetfulness and brain fog won’t be as bad.

Life is too short to work a shitty job where you’re treated like shit. And I’m not trying to sound flippant, like anyone can stroll off from their livelihood. It’s hard as fuck to leave stability for uncertainty. Hey, I was pushed.

But happiness, contentment, and emotional well-being: those things really matter. If you don’t have them, it’s harder to enjoy what you are fortunate enough to have. Or it’s harder to leave the people who support you and keep you going, to spend 40+ hours a week feeling like crap.

I wish my former boss no ill will. I hope she finds balance, and someone to replace me who lives up to her expectations – office robots probably aren’t too far off, you know. (This wouldn’t be me without a little snark, right?)

I’m overjoyed to finally be able to GTFO, and excited to figure out what comes next.

 

 

 

Just Another Monday

Trigger warning: Some people will probably think I’m an ungrateful whine-ass for posting this. I’m OK with that. The reason I think some people will hate this post is that it may come off sounding soaked in privileged complaining, and I can see that. Some people would love to have the job I currently have (wait until May or so and you can apply!). But try to keep in mind I’ve worked other jobs too: physical labor jobs. Jobs where I went home soaked in grease or covered in animal goop. Jobs where I had to smile when I really wanted to tell someone exactly how far to shove it up their…

Anyway. I guess what I’m trying to say is, misery isn’t a competition, as one of my best friends frequently reminds me. Continue reading “Just Another Monday”

Top Five Wallowing Songs

I’ve been going through some serious emotional shit lately. This time it isn’t job related and I can’t really talk about it to most people. I am talking about it to my best support people and those involved. We’re going to get through it together, but it will take some time.

One of the things I’ve learned about having OCD is, in addition to obsessing over the negative stuff, you feel everything very strongly. When I have something like this hit me, even with all the mindfulness and therapy in the world, it’s hard to rise above it. I’ll think I’m fine for a while, then I stumble across a triggering thought and I’m upset all over again. There’s no way through but through.

I use music and poetry to help. I let myself wallow in sadness for a while and just wrap it around me like a big fuzzy blanket. These are some of my favorite wallowing songs, in no particular order. Continue reading “Top Five Wallowing Songs”