This is probably one of the more disturbing stories from my childhood. But it’s also pretty funny. Disturbingly funny.
Trigger warning: Some people will probably think I’m an ungrateful whine-ass for posting this. I’m OK with that. The reason I think some people will hate this post is that it may come off sounding soaked in privileged complaining, and I can see that. Some people would love to have the job I currently have (wait until May or so and you can apply!). But try to keep in mind I’ve worked other jobs too: physical labor jobs. Jobs where I went home soaked in grease or covered in animal goop. Jobs where I had to smile when I really wanted to tell someone exactly how far to shove it up their…
Anyway. I guess what I’m trying to say is, misery isn’t a competition, as one of my best friends frequently reminds me. Continue reading “Just Another Monday”
I had a dream before you died
your house became a maze.
The walls had owls with yellow eyes.
We tried to find our way outside
but all the doors and windows
had somehow disappeared. Continue reading “Goodbye Home”
I’ve been going through some serious emotional shit lately. This time it isn’t job related and I can’t really talk about it to most people. I am talking about it to my best support people and those involved. We’re going to get through it together, but it will take some time.
One of the things I’ve learned about having OCD is, in addition to obsessing over the negative stuff, you feel everything very strongly. When I have something like this hit me, even with all the mindfulness and therapy in the world, it’s hard to rise above it. I’ll think I’m fine for a while, then I stumble across a triggering thought and I’m upset all over again. There’s no way through but through.
I use music and poetry to help. I let myself wallow in sadness for a while and just wrap it around me like a big fuzzy blanket. These are some of my favorite wallowing songs, in no particular order. Continue reading “Top Five Wallowing Songs”
(A (mostly) light-hearted Q&A poem based on things I’ve been asked about OCD.)
I had a wonderful two weeks at home for the holidays. My husband got through his surgery, and although his recovery was slow at first, he is up and around more every day.
During my time off I took care of both kids, helped Dan when he needed me, kept the house going, made lots of progress on the unpacking front, and dyed most of our holiday gifts. It was tiring but rewarding. Getting to spend all that time with the kids was awesome.
We had some visitors too. My dad and stepmom came for the surgery, and Dan’s twin brother came shortly afterward. Before the surgery his older brother came to visit with my sister-in-law and nephew. We went to an awesome drive-through light show.
We love our new house. We’ve started to get most things where they need to be and figure out how to use different spaces. We were able to get the home warranty to cover repairs on a few things that were broken, so all that’s left is to get a new roof, and that was paid for as part of the deal. Being closer to family is great, too. We are insanely grateful for all of it.
Now we just have to work together to extract me from my job and figure out some combination of new ones that will pay the bills. Even though the payment is slightly lower than rent, my job is still at risk and we’re at the “hatch an escape plan” point. Dan is studying for a certification test he needs to take, and I’m applying for random jobs that sound fun and less stressful.
Right before I left for the holidays, I put together the on-boarding plan I should have had the first week or two I worked here and sent it to my boss as my training request list. But I only have so much energy, and while I’m trying to make it work for the time being, I also need to spend some of that energy job-hunting and supporting Dan in his search.
I’d rather leave on my own terms and getting fired certainly would suck. But it’s less scary than it used to be. We have some savings left, and Dan has already been working with a career coach so we might just sign me up for him too (family discount? HA).
It is hard to come in every day, and not to let myself go straight to “fuck it all free-fall.” But having a possible end-date helps with that. And I get to go home to the most awesome family in the world, plus I have supportive, caring friends and family who are there to listen to me gripe when I need them and commiserate with their own unfortunate nutso work stories.
Here’s hoping 2019 is way less stressful than that Old Year.
It was a very eventful fall for me and my family.
Continue reading “Going into hibernation”
Once a year or so
we traced mailbox letters,
traipsed turkey-scented hallways,
bore holiday bags and boxes
to dark doorways in strange buildings
where Mom tentatively knocked.
Continue reading “Year of the Hot Dog”
ombré golden gown
bones. Continue reading “A tiny fall poem”
On Monday we close on our new house. All the obstacles have been overcome! We have various people coming to do work for a few days, then we move next weekend. I can’t wait to get settled into a new permanent spot where all our stuff can be out instead of half of it being crammed in the basement. I’m going to tie-dye before Christmas. Continue reading “Moving”